tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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