So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
