ya dads aren't the best wingmen
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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