it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
