So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
