Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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