I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
