grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
