I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
