Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
