the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
