You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
