lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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