I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
