FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
