Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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