this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
