i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I think I just sharted jello shots
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
