you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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