why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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