She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Randomize
