it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
