AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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