I can text with my tongue
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
