i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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