I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize