can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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