I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
