his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
