oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize