Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
