The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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