I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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