Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
