my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
And then he peed in my hair
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