maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
