i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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