why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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