Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
