omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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