Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
