Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"

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(518): View more from New York

I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.

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