he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
