So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
