I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
