Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
