We won't sleep together?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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