she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize