even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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