is your mom at the bar?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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