Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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