I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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