We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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