Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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