Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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