I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
