When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
