i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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