I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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