if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
