Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
