It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
