I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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